„I want to remember this! “-Nour was saying to me, shivering and with tears in her eyes. „I need to remember this cruel and hard voice, this dispassionate look of his eyes, no feelings, just being polite. I just HAVE to remember this always, maybe it will stop me from loving him this much…“
I didn’t know what to say. I hugged her, saying: “He doesn’t deserve you, love” but I knew that it doesn’t mean anything to her. Her love for him was from another world. All our friends were saying the same as I did, but nothing changed.
Their story was the strangest one I ever heard in my life. Nour had a broken marriage, heart full of sadness and destroyed dreams and illusions behind her. All alone, she was fighting with this life, but remained strong. All people who knew her were admiring her, her courage, her strength. I always thought of her as a soldier of eeman. Me and everybody else. Yes, I have noticed the sad look of her eyes, but I thought it’s from all difficulties she has been trough. Until one day, Nour told me the true reason for that. It left me speechless.
“When I left my ex-husband, I didn’t want to marry again. Ever. Because I thought they are all the same. I was struggling to have a proper job, so I can afford normal life to my kids. But I had some friends who were thinking that another relationship will help me in this hard time. They tried many “matching”. People were contacting me, but I refused them all. Wallahi, there were good people among them. But I was just not ready. One day I have opened my computer to check my e-mails, and I saw one strange name in my inbox. Even I have never heard this name before or opened the e-mail yet; my heart start to beat so fast and I felt butterflies in my stomach. SubhnaAllah…It brings the tears even now, when I remember it. I clicked on it and start reading. It was written so nicely. He said he got my e-mail address from my friend who is living in his country, he hopes it’s okay that he is contacting me in this way, he wrote basic things about himself and pointed out that he heard very nice things about me and that he would be really happy if I would tell him more. God, I was so confused with those feeling inside of me! What the heck is going on with me?! I was repeating to my self the old story: they are all the same, they are all the same… So I replied to him, saying that it’s very nice of him for asking, but I am not ready and blah blah. Tomorrow I have got another e-mail from him. He said that he understand completely, but he has also been trough the same as I am now, so he would like to try with friendship for now and “latter, we will see”. He wasn’t giving up. And I liked that. And my friend was saying all the best about him. So we start talking. Many times he would say so gently: Habibty open your heart to me, you can trust me, don’t be afraid of me. We were reading Qur’an together, breaking our fast together, waking up to have sohoor together, waiting to pray qiyamu-layl together. Over the phone or Internet. We talked about everything. My opinion was so important to him; he would laugh to my jokes from all his heart. He said that it was the happiest time of his life. For me the same. I was totally in love. Totally. Every cell of me loved him. But bad things happened in the world and he couldn’t come to me. Nor I could go to him. We tried to be patient but the time was passing by and nothing new happened. He used to tell me: You are like water to me, I am so in need of it, but I can not catch it. He was becoming too tired of everything. I felt it. And I couldn’t do anything. I felt like I am loosing all the colors of my life. Everything around me was gray.
After some time we both agreed it’s the best just to forget about each other. It wasn’t maktoob. So we tried. But failed. I couldn’t stand to be away from him. He couldn’t stand to be away from me. I needed his advices, his laugh; his voice was in my ears all the time, his face in front of my eyes day and night. Pain was just becoming stronger, same as my love for him. He was dealing with it somehow, but I was weak. I was afraid to lose a dream, I was afraid to lose my illusions. Again. Nothing could help me except my dooa. I asked Allah to make him my halaal, to make his love strong as my was, to make things easier for us. My every breath was that dooa. I am still waiting for it to be accepted. I still love him. I hope he still loves me.”
My dear sister…How can I tell her that she deserve better? Someone who will love her more? Who will do something for her love? But her love for him is not from this world…

I have a feeling that these days I have eyes only for bad things :( And it makes me worried, a lot, coz I was always the person who sees all the best in people and things around me. But when I catched my self yesterday with feeling of deep worry, thinking how, for God’s sake, my children, my innocent, pure children ( and all other kids) will survive in this kind of world, I am afraid now that I am becoming a pessimist. And that’s not good. At all.
The thing I am worried at most is that my heart, by living in this kind of environment, will become hard as a stone and totally blind, without possibility to feel all those beautiful things around me, which were making me so happy and joyful person. I can remember how deep my feelings were when I was started to practice Islam. Yarab…I felt the tree next to my balcony as a proud slave of Allah and this is why I was looking at it as someone so close to me:))Same was for the sky, stars, flowers, birds, just all things which Allah swt created for us, to make our residence here more pleasant.
Now, I am facing with people who knows about this beautiful deen more than me, who seems to be practicing and saying Allah ’s name 5 times in every sentence, but…they are making my heart a stone. Why? Because they don’t see Islam as a way of life, it didn’t fulfill all cells of their bodies, it didn’t lightened their souls so the light can not come out, to bring the good for others. They are cold,cruel, from Islam they see only hard rules, and if they have beard and everybody sees them praying, they take the right to change the rules if they are not happy with it. This makes you stone. Because they don’t see that tree or even thinking about it. They don’t feel the world around them. Except what they will benefit from. And you are not able to change it, plus you are forced somehow to live surrounded by their grinned faces, without the smile or noor in it.

Ya Allah make the Qur’an the noor of my heart, the spring of my soul and eraser of all my worries. Ameen yarab.

I love when I wake up and see the sun outside. Smell of coffee, girls still sleeping, so I can get dressed in peace:) I put little bit of Nancy Ajram to play while I was getting ready to leave, just to keep the nice rhythm in my mind:) In the street some old granny was saying salaam to me, people in the bus were kind and polite (and this is not happening so often, believe me)…I went to get the medical check up for my driving licence and I finished everything in 30 mins! I came to work, trying not to think about all what happened yesterday, closed the door of my office, saying alhamdulillah I don’t have to see him at all. Went to see new things in the net, and found Unique Muslimah surprised me with Egyptian breakfast:)) She made my day:) I hope the rest will be just fine like this or even better ;) inshaAllah

Well, I knew it couldn’t be so easy..Mr.Director came today and told me (via e-mail, isn’t that cowardice?) that I cant go to Cairo at this specified time, coz I am the only one who can manage with projects. Even after telling him that I will work from Cairo office (coz we have an office there) and that I will not even sleep if something has to be done, he didn’t change his opinion. So after I have told him that I WILL GO INSHAALLAH no matter what, then I’ve got true blackmail! “If you decide to go, you will not be responsible for the projects any more.”

Walla, I have no words for this behaviour….SubhnaAllah…Thats ok, no problem but my dream is my dream and no way I will give up. End of subject.

Do3a needed,plz

I am still waiting for my director’s approval of unpaid leave….God, the man really thinks a lot. Now he is not in a good mood, so I don’t even have the courage to go there and ask him directly…I hate these kind of situation..when you are waiting for someone to let you live your dream. InshaAllah, bil khair..

Anyway, I am already preparing slowly for my trip:) I need to get my driving license inshaAllah before I go to Cairo, this is number 1. Next, I need to go to some shopping. I need shoes, few new stuff but I will leave THE HUGE SHOPPING for Cairo inshaAllah.:))Also, I need to study a bit, specially Arabic grammar, coz I don’t want to loose my time there for it, I want to concentrate on conversation.Emmm, talking too much today, seems so…:))

• do3as needed,jazakumullah

Salaams to all,

It seems that my dream will become a true!!! :)) There is (a very good:)) possibility for me to go to study Arabic language. Guess where?:) In Cairoooooooooooooooo.Yes! Ya rabb, I can’t believe yet. I am trying not to get too excited (its VERY hard, believe me), because there is still much time to it ( june inshaAllah) and I need to do many many things before I go, but walla I feel butterflies in stomach:) SubhnaAllah…Plz, plz, plz do3a needed soooo much

The photo of passport is missing here accually:) My friends says I am all in traveling these days..Inshaallah soon…sabr jameel:)

Honestly I dont know from where it comes, this need to be just away from everything…Is it running away from problems, from life? I guess it is. I have my work, which is great really and true blessing, but these people around….How can somone pray five times a day, know by heart almost the whole Qur’an and so many hadiths but still act as totaly ignorant and had so stone heart?? Walla I dont understand….

I also have other full time job, which is being single mom for two girls…There is nothing better for me in this world, just sometimes I got this stupid feeling…like I dont have strenght any more and accually dont know what to do at all…Walla may Allah be with me, without His help & support I will be totaly lost..

If I catch few mins of free time I imagine my self in Cairo. My beautiful Al Qahirah…Walking in your streets, praying at your mosques, go for shopping at khan al khaleel…far away from everything….Allah…

Do3a needed, plz

Mashallah it was a beautiful day today. Finally we have got some sun!! Alhamdulillah.I have a feeling its easier to breathe, to think if the sky is pure blue and sun is all around you:)It was so much work today, but we managed to visit some orphan kids. As much as its a blessing to work with them, its also hard to face all those families with so much hardships in their life and not being able to help them. Yes, we can help, but its just to ease them a little bit. But when I see them, I wish I can change everything for better. I was wondering the whole day what could I possibly do…I am not so rich, to give scholarship for all of them..To buy food for all of them..
I remember the hadith, when Muhammad saws saw a woman looking for her lost child. She was running all over the place, with panic and fear. When she finally found him, she was so happy, hugging him and crying, thankful to have him back in her arms. Muhammad saws told the sahabes that Allah loves his 3abd more than this woman her child. Subhnallah…He is the One who is rich and generous and most merciful to us. To orphans specially. So whats up to me and all others is to make do3a..May Allah swt protect them and provide them with all they need. And make them a good people..Ameen, ya rabb.

From earth to heaven, in silence it fly’s,
Leaving behind the moon and the stars,
Every night, well known is the way,
At Your door, one dooa for acceptance pray:“These are my words, accept me ya rabb,
From sincere heart I come and here how I sound:

All praise to You, the Lord of all hearts,
For Your love and rahma to Your ‘abd I ask.

Fulfil his heart with noor and eeman,
Happiness and joy to be in his side.

His face to carry always a smile,
Sadness and sorrow from him to hide.

Protect him from evil; guard him in Your way,
So in jannatil Firdaws forever he can stay.

These are my words, accept me ya rabb,
From sincere heart I come and this is how I sound.”