my greatest need is YOU

Not so bright Ramadan thoughts

18 Aug 2008

Only 14 days left. I don’t know is it just me, but like Ramadan of last year was yesterday?

In any case, I am happy and thankful that Allah allowed me to enjoy one more. I remember those wonderful feelings… Families united, friends together for iftaar almost every night, streets decorated welcoming this blessed month, even the smell of the air is amazing…

But this feeling of worry is accompanying me for days. I remember last Ramadan, last iftaar. I was preparing the meal for me and my girls, when on the first sound of adhaan my phone ring. My best friend was calling. It was really unusual, coz we are all kinda careful not to call each other during iftaar time. I answered the phone and heard her crying that much that she couldn’t say a word. Eventually she spoke and she said: He is leaving!!!

I knew what she was talking about.

We both start working that year and we’ve been under a lot (A LOT) of stress. Many days I would feel like just hiding myself under the blanket and staying there for hours. Ibadaah was faaaar away from my thoughts, I was just so tired! I knew it was Ramadan, my favorite time, I knew all the blessings it brings, I knew how important was to make ibadaah, but I couldn’t help my self! And this feeling of emptiness filled me, on this last day, this last iftaar. I knew why she was crying. I cried too.

We used to go to Qiyam al leil to the mosque last ten days (this mosque was an hour driving from my home. And qiyam al leil was at 2 in the morning). We used to read whole Qur’an during this month. We used to call each other in suhoor, just to make sure we are awake, not for meal, but for the barakah of suhoor we heard about in hadith. We used to give sadaqah and small presents or small packets of food to the neediest. We used to go to muqabalah (daily halaqah of Qur’an) to the mosque almost every day. WE USED TO. We don’t any more.

I am afraid this Ramadan will be same. I’ve never learned how to make this balance, how to organize my spiritual life, my prayers & ibadaah separately from everything else. I know this is the hardest thing, coz all what’s happening is affecting us. But I think it is becoming essential. I don’t want to feel away from my Allah . I want to be close to Him, to think of Him all the time, to yearn for His pleasure every single second in my life and to WORK for this pleasure.

I am just so worried…..

(source)

If only my relationship with you were sweetened,

Though the rest of my life may be bitter;

And if only You were to be pleased with me,

Though all others may thereby be angered;

If only what lies between You and I were built up,

Though all between me and humanity be torn down -

For if love from You is true all else becomes pithy

And everything upon the Earth is merely dirt.

(Rabi’ah al Adawiyyah)